I have recently quit my job because I was lusting over a married woman there. I have never in my life had such a strong sexual desire for a woman – it was driving me crazy, I couldn’t hardly think of anything else. She had suggested that her marriage was all but over and I had hoped that we would be together when they divorced. Also I had hoped her husband would die while alternately being guilt ridden and telling the woman we must stop and that I would pray for her marriage. Long story short: I became obsessed with this woman and it consumed my whole life. Finally I quit the job and told her not to ever contact me again – and I meant it.
But during all this affair, I have entered into a spiritual darkness that I cannot even begin to describe. I wonder if I have quit the job so that I will not sin or so I will not be miserable with frustration.
My whole life has been marked with seasons of sin and turning from sin. So now I am here in this deep anguish of soul wondering why, if I am a believer, have I lived such a life with so many episodes of blatant, willful sin? Am I now just heartbroken over my circumstance and running to God? Is that what I have always done? I wonder if I am just a big fraud.
If you were truly obsessed with the woman, as you seemed to be, then you were right to quit. 1 Cor. 10:13 promises that we won’t be tempted beyond our ability to stand up under it, but that God will provide a way out. By prompting you to quit, God made good on that promise. What you’re dealing with now is the guilt that Satan us using to try and steal your victory. He can’t have you but he can, and certainly is, making you miserable.
Having resisted the woman you now have to resist the devil (James 4:7-8) Don’t question your motives in confessing, only God can do that. Draw near to Him and He’ll draw near to you. Every Christian continues to sin, many much worse than you. But God is faithful and will always forgive and forget.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son was written for situations like yours. (Luke 15:11-32) Study it until you understand in your heart that though the prodigal left home to pursue a life of sin, he never stopped being his father’s son. And the moment he turned back toward home his father forgave him and restored him.
No one else can help you in this situation until you decide that you are the Prodigal, and once you do decide you won’t need anyone to help you. Satan has built a stronghold in your mind over this, but you have weapons with the divine power to demolish strongholds and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God (2 Cor. 10:3-5)
The pretension is that you’re no longer worthy to be a child of God, but the Bible says that no one can snatch you out of His hand.(John 10:27-30) Not even you. He didn’t save you because of how you behave. He saved you because of what you believe.
When you finally accept that, you will realize that God has already forgiven you and you will be able to do the same. Then you’ll have achieved the victory and Satan will flee.