When I was a child I lived an abused life. Because of the things I witnessed and both of my parents being alcoholics, I became what I despised – drug and alcohol addicted and being with men outside marriage.
As a result I chose to have abortions rather than bring children into my life. The 2 men I was involved with made the same choice along with me. I had my first at about 20 and my last at about 30. I am now 54. My parents were not religious.
I was salvaged, literally, by God 16 years ago and still thank him every day that I was lifted from the darkness of addiction and immorality. I do not yet understand those days, but still have feelings that are unresolved, regarding the fact that I committed murder. That is the blunt truth.
I have been totally single for 10 years as well as sexually pure due to my abject pain from those days. In a way, I find I sentenced myself to prison.
I can’t say that I am perfect at this point but that I yearn each day to show God my appreciation for what he did for me. I don’t know just how far forgiveness reaches?
I wonder how (if) we are given forgiveness for such horror in our youth? I don’t see this topic much in any Christian web sites and feel it is very overlooked as most people I know that had this experience are still needing help with the answers: how God will deal with us? Also where are our babies? Will they ever forgive us?
My heart goes out to you. With nearly 50 million abortions having been performed in the US alone since you had your first one, you’re certainly not alone, but each one is a personal tragedy. Since it’s not politically correct to report statistics on the side effects of abortion, we’ll probably never know how many cases of clinical depression, divorce, breast cancer or even death can be traced to this.
Since the Bible views life as beginning with conception, then in God’s eyes voluntary abortion constitutes the taking of a life. But the Bible also says that being angry with a brother is just as bad as murder (Matt. 5:22) The idea of some sins being worse than others is an invention of man. God holds all sin as being punishable by death, so those who condemn the sins of others are just adding another sin to their own account.
But here’s the bottom line. When Jesus went to the cross He took every sin of your life with Him and He paid the full penalty for all of them. If you’re a born again believer, your account with God has been settled. You are forgiven and your sin has been forgotten.
As for your aborted children, their spirits are in Heaven awaiting resurrection bodies. You will see them soon, and they will tell you that they forgave you long ago.
Your challenge now is to allow the Holy Spirit work within you to help you forgive yourself. The guilt you feel is from Satan, not God, and must be rebuked. (James 4:7, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5) You can’t work it off, although working with others once you’ve forgiven yourself would be a much needed ministry. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)