I’ve been reading about how Jesus said all who are not willing to pick up their cross and follow Him are not worthy of Him and also II Timothy 3:12 That all who desire to live a godly life will suffer persecution. I have told the Lord that I desire to surrender my will to Him and want to follow Him completely. I want to carry the cross I am given. What if I’ve deceived myself into believing I am doing this when actually I am not? I do not suffer persecution. I’m a disabled lady who is housebound unless I have help from the husband to get to the car. The surgery I need for my hip was denied due to my weight. I’ve had difficulty all my life trying to lose weight; from the time I was a child. This to me is not persecution in Christ Jesus.
Am I disobedient because I do not lose weight when this has always been a problem for me? Am I deluded into thinking I am a Christian when possibly I am not? Will the Lord say to me He never knew me one day? I am sorry if some things it would seem I should know better but I am easily upset. I came from an abusive childhood and have PTSD and depression and anxiety. When I read Scripture like this all the compassion and mercy I thought I saw in Jesus is gone.
The phrase “take up your cross and follow Me” means to give up your own plans for your life and live the life God has planned for you. If you’re doubting whether or not you’re serving God in the manner He desires, then ask Him to reveal this to you. Not all believers are called to suffer persecution at the hands of others so don’t use that as a guide, although many would say that your life contains a fair amount of it.
Jesus only requires that you believe in Him. (John 6:28-29) That’s the basis on which you became a Christian, not by suffering or even serving, but by believing. Ask the Lord to forgive you, and ask Him to heal you of the mental anguish you suffer. Your doubts are tricks of the devil trying to steal your joy. Resist him and he’ll flee from you. Draw near to God and He’ll draw near to you. (James 4:7-8)