Thank you so very much for your ministry. My husband and I have been born again Christians for many years, but our marriage has never been good. Now my husband has bladder cancer and I’m not being very supportive. Many years ago he had a relationship outside our marriage. I have always felt that I had forgiven him and I know God has forgiven him but now I’m not so sure about myself.
When all this happened I felt strongly that God wanted me to continue in the marriage, and not divorce, so we continued. All went well for a few years but then everything sort of went back to the way we always were.
Now with his illness I find myself wondering why I didn’t get a divorce in the first place. I’m sure satan is working in my mind. I just have a terrible temper and lash out at my husband all the time. I know this is wrong, but I continue to lose IT. We are both miserable and I want to change my attitude, but everyday seems to end like the last. Thank you for any words of wisdom. I love the Lord with all my heart and so want to be pleasing in His sight.
First of all let’s remember that you stayed with your husband out of faithfulness to the Lord, not because your husband deserved it.
Even so, it sounds to me like you’re still harboring some unforgiveness over your husband’s affair. This could be manifesting itself in the resentment you feel about having to take care of him now. In turn this has opened the door for Satan to torment you.
The solution is to go before the Lord and unconditionally forgive your husband. At first this will be contrary to your feelings about him. It will have to be a choice you are making by faith, not by how you feel. But with the Lord’s help and continued declarations of forgiveness, your feelings will align themselves with your choice and you will find you truly have forgiven him.
Matthew 6:15 tells us that until you can accomplish this the Lord cannot truly forgive you for your sins of resentment and anger toward your husband. And you will find there will be a barrier to achieving the closeness you desire with the Lord.
Once you have forgiven your husband from your heart the Lord will be free to restore your relationship and heal all the past wounds you still feel.