Q. I was molested as a child by older male cousins. I never told anyone until recently what happened. But, the whole situation has scarred me in a way that makes it hard for me to rejoice in being a female. That being said, since that point in my life I have found myself attracted to women but only if I imagine myself as a man with the control. I don’t know if this is a true attraction or if it is a result of me wanting to feel “in control”. And, what makes it even harder is that I am a follower of Christ. I know Him and desire to follow Him with all my might- but this sin keeps coming up and I feel like I’m constantly questioning if I die will God consider me living in un-repentant sin. And, my best friend and I have have tried working through this (I wear pink and do my hair and paint my nails now) and I have made some strides, I was just wondering if there is a way out of this and back into “normal” life.
Thank you so much for allowing God to speak through you to so many wondering and wandering souls.
A. Thank you for having the courage to write. Yours is a heart breaking story, and I’ve spent several days thinking and praying about a response. The fact that you make no attempt to justify your behavior but attribute it to being molested tells me that you’re contending with a spiritual issue. I also believe that you’re sincere about wanting to change. Describing your behavior as sin tells me that you have repented, because the word repent means to change your mind. We all commit sins that we know are sins, and yet God forgives us when we ask. It’s when we deny that our behavior is sin that we’re unrepentant.
If you have truly given your heart to Jesus, then He has accepted you just as you are and your position with Him is secure. You never have to worry about that again. Now your challenge is to allow Him to deliver you from this sin.
The process begins with forgiveness. As long as you harbor any anger or un-forgiveness against your cousins, you’ll be keeping yourself in bondage as well. (Matt. 18:21-35) You must forgive them from your heart, just as Jesus has forgiven you. They were just pawns in this. The real perpetrator was the devil himself.
Ask the Lord how best to accomplish this. If you feel that He’s clearly telling you to write to them or even do it to their faces, then do so. Their response is irrelevant. It’s your obedience to the Lord that matters. Remember, the goal is to help you gain the victory over this oppression, not to make you suffer any further embarrassment so don’t confront them in person unless you believe that He’s telling you to.
This attack on you has to be relegated to your past and can no longer be allowed to interfere with your future. You must become unshakably convinced that the Lord can and will deliver you, so commit to memory verses like Isaiah 53: 4-6, Phil 4:13, 1 John 4:4, & James 4:7. Memorize these and others of your own and repeat them whenever you feel tempted. This is how Jesus battled Satan in Matt 4:1-11, and it will work for you.
Gather around you two or three Christian friends that you really trust to support you and pray for you. Tell them what you’re doing and ask for their help. Thousands of us will pray for you as well.