There have been many letters to you regarding anxiously awaiting His return vs. living each day to the fullest. I’ve got to admit, I am in a spiritual conundrum. We are either happy to be here or anxiously awaiting Him to rescue us. How can we be both? If you like it on the planet, how can you be happy to leave? If you don’t because last day events are so trying and His own are targets, do you still get a crown because you seek to be rescued?
I reconcile the two emotions with the fact that each day we’re here increases the likelihood of being here for the rapture, which I believe will be the most incredible experience mankind will ever have on earth. Even the resurrection won’t be able to top it.
I can’t see any fine print in the promise of a crown to all who long for His appearing. The way I read 2 Tim. 4:8 everyone who does receives one.
I do wonder if your “back and forth” position is based more on short term feelings than long term desires. On great days here your feelings could be making you less urgent about the rapture because you think things are going well here. And on days when you’re not happy with the way things are working out here you feel a stronger urgency for the rapture.
It’s natural for humans to take positions based on short term feelings. And that may be what’s causing you to waver back and forth. But it’s important for you to keep in mind that there won’t be any bad days there and every day will be infinitely better than the best day here. Keeping this perspective should help you maintain a longing for the Lord’s appearing, regardless of what your current circumstance is.